After 2 months of keeping away from you livejournal, im back. Mostly because I need a way to get all the shit out of my head and somewhere where it can thrive. I dont want it all in my head anymore, It makes it hard to BE.

Im not really any different. Jobless, educationless, and not heading in any defined direction.

Ive been looking back on all the posts in here, it tears at my chest. Never again do I wanna go back there, not ever.

And the worlds becoming scarier.

"what am i supposed to do when the best part of me, was always you? & what am i supposed to say when im all choked up and youre okay? Im falling to pieces."


i hope to god she comes back for me someday

My godmom usually has an answer, solution, loophole, reason...to literally anything. When I left my dads house Sophomore year, I was promised id never have to go back to that. The one place where suicide, was so close I could taste It. Constantly taunted for being gay, for not being good enough, for being human. I'd lock myself up in my bedroom, what they called my "cave." Here i'd poke holes in Energy drink cans and convert them into weed smoking mechanisms. Noone even noticed that I was so stoned, atleast three times a day, Just to get through while I was home. When that wasnt enough, I lined vicodin on my school books, crushed them into perfect lines and snorted til my eyes rolled and my nose bled. Nicole knew, I made it way too obvious. She never told....but if she had, they wouldnt have cared much anyway. SO many times I came home from school and said to myself, "Todays the day you are going to stop being afraid. Today youre going to close your eyes, and youre going to do it. Because its what everyone wants and you cant always make yourself happy." But i was weaker than I thought and I never followed through. Crazy how four people living in a household with you can make you want to end your life. I remember cutting myself, thinking I was crazy and telling myself that this was why noone loved me. Because I was crazy. But ive learned with time I was driven to this state of mind by my father and step mother, & quite possibly the shitty life id been living since 7 years old. There was a song Id listened to since I lived next to point sebago, called "Pieces" by sum 41. And I keep remembering this line I used to repeat in my bedroom when id be facedown on my bed crying. It said "This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting...I dont know how it got so bad. Sometimes its so crazy that nothing can save me, but its the only thing that I have." & whenever it plays, no matter where i am.. The headache comes back, and my wrists get sore, and I cry. Because I never want to feel like my lifes not worth living. I go back September 2, 2009. It never gets easy and im terrified.

I read back on my posts, & I apparently am never happy & I do apologize.
Maybe if my parents hadnt brought me into such a shitty life, I'd be an okay kid.
Nothings changed, I still have no life. Neither of my parents even care, i dont care what anyone says...they dont. They have been waiting all my life to get rid of me because they werent meant to be parents in the first place. Look at every other kids, they have a car. They dont worry about food because the parents are supposed to take care of it. The little things down to shampoo & damn tampons cant be missed with me, gotta pull money out of my ass to make it happen. Atleast im trying to get a job and support myself but come on im 18. All my life, my mom hasnt ever been a mother to me. Some days she tries but im sorry shed rather be my friend. My dad, yeah hes been a dad. I wouldnt have braces on my teeth without him, and wouldnt have gotten help through counseling etc without him. Even though he doesnt seem to want me around, I miss him and i love him. Atleast hes tried to make things right, even when he wasnt the best of dads when I was little. Hes not an angry guy anymore.
My godmom, who ive always seen as my real mom....Ever since she moved away nothings been the same for me. It feels like when your mom dies, or she leaves you. I know Im not her responsibility or her child, I just didnt know how to deal with her going away. She kept me safe from the things i was being exposed to, & when she left I was left unguarded. She kept me alive, its seriously like god sent her here for me. I cant thank him enough, I just wish I had more time with her. I wish she had stayed. Im happy for her, so happy that she found someone to treat her like the amazing person she is, Im just selfish and want her home. Noone in this entire world has fought harder for me, than she has. Whether it be doctors, school, my wellbeing...any of it. She's been the one I can run to when theres nothing I can do and need help. Shes the one who kept me fed and the needs in my home so I could get by. No words, will ever describe how much she and her acts of kindness have changed my life. I just want my "mom" back. I want to be a normal kid before I turn 18 and have to grow up. I want to love my life and have fun. & I want her to be around for it all. All the times I went to her and complained, or cried, or was so depressed...or was coming off drugs and alcohol binges...I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I never meant to put you through my problems, never meant to make you cry from it all. I have just been so mislead in life and I didnt know where to go or what to do.

Me & darci; cant even explain. But the rollercoaster ride is over and I cant believe I can leave all the bad behind me. Before the end of this year, Im going to give her a ring. I dont care if the world thinks im crazy, Im going to marry this girl. Theres no more looking, no more what-ifs. She is the perfect girl, the perfect love, and the perfect friend when I need it. I know when I come home from the army, and pack up for Vermont she's coming with me. Maybe thats why Im so excited for the future? I love you baby.

Tomorrow I go for the second time to get my drivers license, lord please let me get it this time. Or have mercy on the instructer in the passengers seat lol

All my life, I had to learn to do everything on my own. Make the important decisions, learn when to stick around and when to hide when the wrong people were forced into my life. Had to learn to love what I had, even if it wasnt what I deserved. I had to know how to keep secrets, & how to lie for the people who conceived me. I had to realize I'd never have a home, just a matress below me to rest my body. I had to understand that men cant be trusted, because they will violate every crevice of innocence you withold. That when someone tells you they love you and dont show it, it MUST be normal because everyone does it. I had to learn to let people leave, expect it, because anyone who ever showed me love always went away. I had to forgive, and forgive, and forgive when when the money in my bank account dissapeared for bills. When my piggy bank was broken on the floor. I had to forgive for all the mistakes that yet again, would be made. And even then, I had to forgive. The only person, who deserves to be forgiven is myself. Because you have put me, your child, through all of this over the years. & know what, I loved you enough to accept your "sorrys" & "im having a bad days" or "its my medicine" because I care too much. So the only person who deserves forgiveness is MYSELF, for letting everyone do what they have done to me over the years and still loving them the way i do.

is happening to someone else.

Its never me.

& idc what anyone else thinks cuz my own opinion matters.
it seriously owns me and ruins my fucking life.
The end.

So here I am, about 2 weeks into Living in westbrook & im adapting. My room is becoming more of my personality, and Im going to paint it this week. I go for a job interview tomorrow at PMG, heres hoping I can roll in some cashh moneyyyy. I have 100 towards my car, need 400 more for a down payment. I send out the 24th for my license too, YAY. I hope I get it first try but i really dont expect it ... :]

Me and the gf had a low night/day but we're back up on our feet, thank god. I seriously couldnt live without that girl shes my everything.

Tuesday with ssg wilburn to fill out my app, wooh.

The thought that I had sex with her, makes me disgusted with myself. The fact that she fucking hurt me and when I said "ow" didnt do anything...thats horrible. But I love how shes chasing after me when I know shes slutting around with everyone else. Get a life. WITHOUT ME IN IT

Alright, now that I got that off my chest...

tomorrow: To a "move out meeting" at dhs with my mom/godmom/dan.
Then to casco to see my dad etc.
Job interview at Chuck-e-cheese dude!
Back home to be with darci.

THURSDAY: dun dun dun: ENDOSCOPY W. BIOPSIES. WHICH MEANS IV, EW :[



Oh & PS:

I LOVE HER.

11:11's, birthday candles, stars....theyre all the same. You can wish on them all you want, nothing will become of it. Theyre illusions, there to make you believe since you are five years old that if you wait good things will happen. Ive waited 17 years, I havnt gotten anything. Not a pony, a million dollars on my doorstep, or a pink car like barbie. (Those were childhood hopes) Nothing to show for the nights i lay in my little tent "bedroom" or the tin can trailor on a road filled with drug addicts and pedophiles. I may have gotten out of there, but im still in hell. All those wishes to live in a big beautiful house with a full family, fuck it I already knew that was coming. Or what about the nights i spent up crying, wishing my dad wouldnt be dying...or that I could take away the pain of rape and all the time i spent drugged out of my mind or so drunk I couldnt see straight. Getting fucked up's the reality of it all, thats what makes it all go away. Not some fucking diminished flames on a baked good or a clock on the wall.
Parents taught us all these things that arent true, they are the true con artists. Real bastards if you ask me.